My embarrassing struggle

I struggle with laziness. Slothfulness. Being a bum.This is not something I take lightly. This is also something I don't like talking about.I have days where I come home from work, sit on the coach and watch 5 episodes of Parks and Rec and go to bed. Exhausted.Im not ok with this.I tend to waste my time. Ive written about this before and then I started doing I choose goals and I felt so much more accomplished and had a plan. But, as of late, I have been slowly sliding back to that existence of just existing. Somehow I am behind on every project, but feel no motivation or urgency to complete them. Somehow I have tons of things I WANT to do, but no desire to do them. I do this. I swing through moments of great inspiration and motivation and fall into deep valleys of indifference. Now, if you looked at a few things around me, you would see that Ive been reading a good bit and even worked on a puzzle (super nerd alert, cannot believe I just wrote those 2 things together) but to me those are both great, but not productive. I crave productivity. Checking things off a list gives me a rush of satisfaction that takes me much higher into euphoria than any drug could. But then, I forget the rush that propelled me forward and that big comfy couch and just 1 more episode seduces me.I am doing a bible study with my girls group called No Other Gods. I continually write about how laziness has become an idol of mine. Which I feel is ridiculous and embarrassing. But this book has defined 'functional gods' as a good thing that we have let become too important. I feel that rest is good and necessary. But I know The Lord is not looking upon my moments with pride as I waste them. I know He meant for me to use them for something, anything. I tend to overload myself for other people and then get burnt out and have too little time to do things for myself. Maybe my to do list is too long and I get overwhelmed. Maybe I don't have clear deadlines. Maybe I have taken procrastination to a new level. Maybe I fear failing if I try so hard and things don't work out. Maybe Im comparing myself to others too much and what they have accomplished and how "Im not there yet". Maybe Im not practicing good self care and eating healthy, getting enough sleep and exercising enough. Maybe its a culmination of it all.But I don't want to be here. I have to make conscious steps toward productivity and self care. I have to break things down into manageable pieces. I have to exhibit self control and avoid the couch. These things are always easier said than done. I love this blog. I love my husband. I love my friends. I love making things. I love the fact that we are moving. But all of these things need care, effort and time. Slowly, but surely I will work my way back up to a sustainable, productive pace.But maintaining a sustainable, productive pace is sometimes the bigger issue...Thank you for letting me pour my inward and embarrassing struggle out to you. I know that there are bigger problems in the world, but that is a comparison trap and I truly believe The Lord cares about what is going on with me and I will not trivialize it. Because to me it is not trivial. It affects everything in my life. I do not want you to raise your hand and say 'me too' and then we can wallow in it together and do nothing. I want to do something, to move forward. So if you want to share please do. What are doing to fix it?*I know that I do not have kids, so I have no idea what it is like to motivate myself and care for others. So, this is an issue that I would like to identify and address now before I am in that situation. So, yes I know your struggle is greater and different. Again, comparison trap. No thank you.